Images

I wonder why I do my best work when I'm feeling sad........I like these two images. They required thought and preparation and that occupied my mind. Perhaps one day the same standard of work will come naturally when I'm happy.........

No Words

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold gound
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

Snow Patrol,   Set Fire to the Third Bar.

I have no words today........tears, but no words.

Hope

I almost feel guilty because I haven't written for a few days. If this were a paper "diary" then there would be blank pages staring at me accusingly - another little spoonful of guilt - but this way is better, no lines to fill, no sense of obligation.

So…….4.30 am when I woke and 4.45 when I got downstairs….not bad. The days of leaping out of bed with the lark are well and truly behind me, but the pills will work in a while and I when it's light I can do my exercises - can't do them in the dark. Put a light on? no, I like to wander round the house in the dark, I know it so well, like an old friend. All the houses I have lived in have failed to be more than a temporary safe haven but this one, right from the start has been special. From the first day I stood in the orchard, supported by 2 sticks, and cried because it was so lovely and I couldn't see how I could cope with the acre of garden stretching before me. But the chance was taken thank goodness. A corner turned in the right direction………….. And the boat?.....well it's all in the name really...........

4.00am

Yet again I give up on lying in bed in pain. Getting up isn't all that easy but it's the best option....I think. So..... I can sit here on the sofa and see what is going on in the world, though sometimes it's hard to find some good things out there and they must be out there.......somewhere.......mustn't they?  Well one good thing is that my appointment for an MRI scan has come through - nearly the end of February and on a Sunday! Shall I want to know the results...........not sure on that one!

 So………how will I feel at the end of the day…….ah!  that puts me in mind of a song. Courtesy of Mr Ringo Starr…….. "With a Little Help from my Friends".  And yes, I do get by with a little help from my friends. As to how I'll feel, well it'll depend on the day in question I guess, though I think the answer is there in the lyrics…..somewhere.

Round and round and round I go........where I'll stop

Reaction

I had a phone call on Thursday which was  unexpected. It came from the hospital in Exeter  offering me an appointment at the Spinal Injuries Clinic. I wasn't aware that I had been referred to this clinic and perhaps that was the reason for my reaction……..apprehension isn't a strong enough word, fear is too strong.  Illogical would be more to the point really!!  Anyway the appointment is on Monday…….I'd better get my thoughts gathered and dates to my fingertips because there will be, no doubt, a certain amount of form filling to be done. I can still remember the day it happened, as if it were yesterday. You forget the pain of childbirth but I have never forgotten the pain I had that day. Different pain, different outcome………..

I wonder if there is another side to me and my personality……one I keep carefully hidden…….only to be exposed on rare and special occasions……I hope so!

Tired

Here I am - nearly 2.15am. Tired but don't want to sleep. What did the mighty Bard pen - "To sleep perchance to dream" I've probably misquoted and should Google it and get it right but it's late/early so it'll have to stand. I suppose thoughts will give way to dreams - I just hope I don't remember them - the thoughts or the dreams. I wouldn't want to get confused between dreams and reality…… or for that matter reality and reality!
I've got lyrics going round in my head…….Radiohead - Creep…….. not the most uplifting of lyrics perhaps but they strike a chord. But you really need to hear them being sung, to get the mood. Perhaps I'll learn to put a YouTube clip in here…. one day.

 I don't care if it hurts,
 I wanna have control
 I want a perfect body
 I want a perfect soul

 I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

So, will I sleep tonight? Who knows?   It's no good asking me……...

Which, What

Which way to go, what to do, how to proceed, if indeed proceeding is the thing to do?  How many times do we face these questions in a day, a week, a year?  Scary thought, Even more scary if you have absolutely no idea. Who to turn to…. nearest and dearest, a best friend, a neighbour, the Samaritans - all candidates to wield unending help and advice. And there we have it again…. which way to go, what to do, how to proceed…………………..

Caution

 I've been confined to home now for 4 days - not a long time I do realise, but long enough to make me appreciate the level of freedom that I normally have. As I am nervous of walking on the ice, the garden is as far as I can go until the weather improves. It occurred to me today as I picked my way down the path, that I was probably being overly cautious and that that in itself could lead to a slip. Another case for throwing caution to the winds…………….
This photograph is my picture of the day on PBase.com - it is titled "Trapped"

Snow

Another day has dawned for people to slip and slither to their place of work or the local shop. Though our "local" shops have largely bare shelves thanks to people "panic buying" So black tea and coffee is the order of the day together with extremely crunchy breakfast cereal !! I think I'll have toast instead..oh - no bread. Ah well something will be lurking in the pantry I'm sure. The sun is quite strong - for January - perhaps we'll get a bit of a thaw then we can all skate tomorrow after it's frozen again overnight! The garden still looks pretty. I can't bring myself to enthuse - perhaps when I get my Latte…………

This shot of the "Summerhouse"  was taken yesterday.  You have to laugh!!

Morning

Morning hasn't yet broken….. I wonder what the sunlight will show today - more ice, more chilliness. As ever we are surprised, almost hurt that the weather has the audacity to be "winter like" in December/January. Someone asked me last night how long could this terrible cold go on……Oh March or April even I said - that went down well………..  As you can't change the weather you have to live with it, says she from the comfort of her centrally heated home, though I guess I'd have a different view if I were living out on the street.

I have had lyrics going through my head for a couple of days now and not the usual "heavy" stuff but Enya and  The Beatles.  These words from Pilgrim by Enya strike a cord……...

pilgrim, in your journey

you may travel far,

for pilgrim it's a long way

to find out who you are...

 

Monochrome

The start of a new year and a new Challenge on the photography site - a month of Monochrome pictures.

Not sure if I'll make the whole month, life can be a bit monochrome sometimes, we need a splash of colour now and then!

Well I'll see how it goes, nothing is carved in stone, I can please myself - hmmmm, did I really say that………...

2010

So… here we are ……2010.  Is it any good to wonder what will pass as a large portion of what occurs is out of our hands? Well perhaps we can influence things within our own little sphere…….. New Year resolutions are a thing of the past, fun maybe to think about but how many last the month out, last the week out? My overriding desires are to improve my photography, become a little less "precious" with myself and stick to doing the things I enjoy rather than things I feel obligated to do……….that'll do for me………resolutions they are not……..

So I smile. Come on 2010 let's see what you're made of!